It has been over a year since I fell back into this realm of being "single". I admit, I could not stand it. I did not know how to be happy by myself. I did not know how to go to bed on my own. I did not know how to go a day without telling someone else how my day was. I did not know how to think for myself. Everything and everyone just drove me insane.

And I am still working on it.

I am still working on learning to be independent and live my life the way I want to live it. I want to be the kind of person who does not over think, overreact, think logically, be calm - but still have the ability to dream, hope and have faith in myself and the world. The person I dream to be is my own version of being this "perfect" person. I know I will never always be this "perfect" person I am striving to be, but I am trying my best to be the best I can be.

I want to create myself. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and see a person I am proud to be. I want to be able to see a beautiful person.

And until I see that, I cannot bring myself to see someone new. How can I be truly happy with someone else if I am not happy with myself?
When I meet this person, I want to them to see that I am a strong independent woman who can think for herself and support herself.

It has only been couple months that I have finally started picking things up for myself. I am nowhere near to where I want to be...

I know I should relax and cut myself a break sometimes but I am working hard before I can fully forgive myself. I know that what I am saying here contradicts...

I think what I am trying to figure out is... how to forgive myself, how to be happy and how to be a better me.

unfortunately xanga has turned into my private place to rant. its nice to have something old to come back to.

i havent opened up to some of my closest friends anymore. and they know that. they know that "cassie has been quiet lately" or "when did you last talk to cassie?"

its a bit ironic that i taught him how to open up to people and share things with his friends.
and now im the person who is having some trouble with opening up again.
well, its NOT ironic in the sense that .. the reasons for the "quietness" are totally different.
he saw that there was no point in opening up. that opening up doesnt make the problems go away and it doesnt help anything. in reality, opening up to your friends does help. it helps you feel loved and gives you hope that things will be okay.
the reason why i havent been opening up isnt because i see it as hopeless, rather.. im a little scared. frightened that i will get hurt. i put a lot of faith into people, give them the benefit of the doubt - i still do. i just dont put myself out there anymore. when someone asks me whats up, how am i, what have i been up to. i dont give them sentences anymore. i give them one word answers.
its not that i dont want to open up to my friends.. i want to. i really do. i just dont feel good enough to say anything yet.
i want to change and be a good person again. i want to do something amazing - something WORTH talking about.
i dont want to bring up anything that went on last year. or basically the past me, the me who made an excuse for everything. the me who tried hard to please everyone but in the wrong ways. i realize now that the only way to please my loved ones to simply not hurt them and show them that i am capable of being happy on my own too.